SueSpace

The place my brother occupies in my heart is a pain-filled one. In 1990, I did something wrong that hurt him. I have apologised, written to him and his wife to apologise, sent cards and emails, to no effect. The only response has been silence. I now have a new life in another country and after 17 years of silence, my mother hoped all would be fine. Well, eggs can't be unscrambled. I have done what is possible and I can't do any more. I am pleased that my mother enjoyed his visit and it was good for my girls to meet their cousin.

I have another brother, Stephen. The family split up when we were very young and Stephen had never met Paul. They have genes in common so Stephen yearned to meet Paul, to shake his hand and have a beer with him. The yearning was so strong that I wrote to tell Paul about it. Needless to say, there was no reply, but my mother came back and said that Paul and his wife Isabel, thought it very odd.

Well, I suppose people can see anything as odd. People always see what they expect to see, as has been discovered by psychology departments in universities all over the world. I daresay they will always see me as odd and someone to be avoided. There really is nothing to be done about it, but seeing Paul has opened up old wounds and my peace of mind has been disturbed. My mother tried to engineer change of hearts, but it was all too little too late. It might have worked if tried 10 or 15 years ago. I don't blame Paul for feeling the way he does, but I won't be manipulated into exposing myself to pain like that again. I wish them well and hope they have a nice life.

I wonder if he felt bounced into something he'd rather not have been. He was faultlessly polite, of course. It might have been easier for him had I thought to let him know beforehand that I expected nothing from him.

These are painful things to put in the public domain, and I would not have done had it been less painful for me, but people keep asking how it went and I try to brush them off with vague generalities, but the truth is, it is too raw to talk about. So, OK, here is the explanation. And please don't try to talk to me about it for a couple of years at least. Sleeping dogs are best left to lie.