Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas Carols a la Nanny State

When singing carols this year - just bear the following in mind!!

The Rocking Carol

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons.
Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material
should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be
prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe
for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.

Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request
that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
orthopaedic chairs are now available.

Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions
at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras
from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her
glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and
the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be
considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against
those found guilty of this offence.

A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including
suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that
a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road,
Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any
airborne particles.

The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would
prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his
height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc,
gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential
risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift
alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients
name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in
order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or
satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice
regarding fuel consumption.

Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels
carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest
breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the
likelihood of dust from the camel feet.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed -

This is definitely one for Social Services!

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