Monday, September 21, 2009

Job Description


Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma, Mum

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organisational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including
trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.


The rest of your life:
Must be willing to be disliked, at least temporarily, until someone needs £10. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially independent. When you
die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you
could only do more.


While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and
free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

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