Thoughts on Hearing and Listening

I want to write a few thoughts about hearing after having an in depth conversation this evening with someone I care about very much.

In South Africa, when referring to the proper upbringing of a child, a phrase is commonly used : you must bend the tree while it is still young. This refers to the formation of good character and manners, proper attitudes and accepted moral practice while young enough to incorporate good habits into normal development.

Just as a child’s body goes through normal developmental stages, so do their psyches.

But what if the normal psychological development is interfered with? What if the tree is ‘bent’ the wrong way while the personality is still forming? The adult then has a personality that is different to other peoples’ and permanently altered. This is what happens in severe and chronic child abuse. When the child reaches adulthood they face a constant struggle to relate to a world peopled by others whose psychosocial development has been normal. They are not usually understood and often find themselves living on the margins of society.

The hypervigilance that develops as a means of survival and protection as a child continues into adulthood. And it uses a heck of a lot of energy. One of the effects may be that the adult is frequently accused of not listening, and that accusation is often justified. The effort of attending to every word being spoken is quite intense so survivors tend to ‘tune out’ routine chit chat especially when tired.

Paradoxically, while not listening to idle chit chat, the survivor is constantly scanning for unusual sounds that may warn of danger. The woman who may not hear her friend tell her in normal pitch that she had debated whether to buy a blue dress or a floral one will hear a slightly unusual sound – such as an unexpected creaking – that nobody else will hear. At once, she is on the alert. Developing such skills in early childhood may have been lifesaving but carried into adulthood this habit can cause relationship problems between people.

And the non-abused or chronically traumatised population finds this difficult to understand. Or, if they understand it when it is explained to them, they forget about it a few weeks later and begin judging by ‘normal’ standards again. The difference is that without the constant inner turbulence of chronic trauma survivors, they have the energy and ability to keep these things in mind. The survivors rarely have the emotional energy available to keep explaining. And so the cycle continues of survivors covering up the fact that they aren’t listening to idle chit chat by making appropriate verbal or postural signals as active listening is frequently too much for them. Although they hear unusual sounds other people do not hear they may be confronted by people who may accuse them of deafness when they can’t be bothered to summon the energy to debate the respective merits of raspberry ripple or vanilla ice cream.

Hans Selye who subjected rats to stress and examined their behaviour and their adrenal glands came up with what is known today as the General Adaptation Theory. Basically, chronic stress messes up your adrenal gland function and it explains a great deal about why many sufferers of chronic long term trauma are the way they are.

It seems to me that the trauma survivors did not seek to be chronically traumatised and that it is hardly fair to expect them to function normally in a world that has never been normal for them. It would be a great deal easier all round if those fortunate enough not to have gone through that could make some adaptations and accommodations. They have after all, the energy and the ‘normality’ to do it so it will hardly require much effort for them.

But such a sensible approach would only work in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Besides, survivors learn very young that life isn’t fair.

You can read more about Dr Selye’s discoveries here http://www.brainconnection.com/topics/printindex.php3?main=fa/selye
There is some fascinating material there.